Grief Is A Journey

Grief is normal, natural and necessary.

     The loss of a loved ones is one of the greatest losses anyone has to experience. The human response to such a loss is grief. Though grief is natural, oftentimes people feel or are made to feel that its not. Grief is looked at by many as optional, abnormal or a sign of weakness.  It can even be looked at as a sign of spiritual immaturity. The truth is, grief is a very normal, natural and necessary process.  The loss of a loved one can cause extreme trauma to the soul. Grief is the normal response to that significant trauma.

     Grief is a human’s natural response because it is built into us. The soul of man was created to grieve just as it was created to love. So, when we lose someone that we love, we grieve.

     Grief is necessary.  The soul must have a healthy way of coping with the loss until it can overcome the trauma of the loss. Trying to ignore or avoid grief only makes the trauma more intense, lasting longer and possibly causing more trauma or pain. We must give ourselves permission to grieve.  It’s the best and healthiest thing to do.

     It is also important for us to learn how grief works so we can be empowered to respond in ways that are right for us. Let yourself grieve remembering that it’s normal, natural, and necessary.

 The Shock of Losing a Loved One

     Death can be so sudden at times that it leaves us feeling dazed and confused. Shock is one of the most common reactions to death. The circumstances surrounding death can be so tragic and painful that it can overwhelm the mind and emotions.  Some people just go completely numb.  Shock can cause people to identify with these and other experiences like the following:  dazed, confused, bewildered, panicky, disoriented, paralyzed, surreal, preoccupied, secluded or isolated.  Shock is a built-in response to the loss of a loved one, acting like an emotional blocker or cushion or emotional anesthetic. Shock can happen even when death is expected because of the pain associated with the actual separation.  Shock is also a normal response; a protection mechanism.

 Am I Going Crazy?

     Grief can make you feel like you are losing your mind. You may experience the following:  inability to concentrate, mood changes, emptiness, anger, guilt, sadness, loneliness, numbness, insomnia, sleeping all the time, crying all the time, inability to cry, recurrent dreams, hearing voices and other experiences.  Job 3: 26 tells us that where there is turmoil, there is no peace, quietness, and no rest.

 Being Strong is Overrated

     The pressure to be strong after the loss of a loved one can prolong the grief journey because it   deprives one of support from others who care; causes grief to be stored up to devastation and disallows one from feeling the loss as much as can be felt to address the inward pain. True strength is letting yourself be human, recognizing your own limitations; allowing help when needed.

     God created us to care for and support one another in their times of need. We are to be interdependent as Children of God.  Letting yourself grieve is true strength.  “Grief denied is grief unhealed.”  Barbara Bartocci.

 Your Own Grief

     The worst kind of grief is your own grief.  No one can fully experience the grief of another and comparing does not cause the pain to hurt any less. No one will grieve exactly like another even when grieving the same loss. Therefore, grieve as you need to grieve; your loss is different.  Adolfo Quezada puts it this way, “My tears are the words with which I tell God of my pain.”  My pain may be far more intense than anyone else’s, therefore no one can grieve for me.

 Things That Affect Your Grief

I.               Our relationship to our loved one influences how we grieve: Parent, Spouse, Child, Sibling and Other relationships.

     The loss of a parent could produce losses of the past because you always expect them to be there. If the loss leaves one parent alone, this could create a situation where a child forgets to grieve because they are too concerned about the parent left behind. When there are no parents left, the thoughts of your own mortality could become a reality.  There could also be a feeling of loss identity or weakened maternal or paternal foundations, greatly impacting one’s past or history.

     Losing a spouse may bring feelings of incompleteness, identity crisis, profound loneliness, ill preparedness for roles, such as cooking, finances, cleaning, etc. One could feel the loss of a friend, lover, companion or soulmate. This is a sense of your presence being affected greatly.

     One’s future is greatly impacted with the loss of a child being counter to nature. Your hopes and dreams can die.  You may feel some sense of guilt and failure that continues to linger. In cases of miscarriages, stillbirths, or infant deaths, parents could be greatly affected because these deaths are often minimized by others when the impact of the loss is the same to the parents.

     In cases of sibling deaths, one could be losing a best friend, childhood or identity.  There could be great emotional ties that others may not be aware of or ignore. Others may down play a sibling loss because they did not know the depths of the relationship, therefore; they are void of the depth of the grief.

     Other losses including those of friends, grandchildren, grandparents, or even co-workers are often ignored by others but could cause great grief to you because of the depth of the relationship. You may find yourself suffering alone because these relationships are judged to be insignificant attachments.

 II.              Sudden vs. Anticipated Affect Grief

     Some say because it was sudden, at least they didn’t suffer and if anticipated, it is said that at least you had time to say good-bye; well, both can hurt deeply for many reasons. In cases of sudden death, the initial shock is greater and could last longer; can be overwhelming; can be hard to believe or accept; unresolved issues could be possible and sudden deaths can leave one fearful, vulnerable, and shaken.

     Anticipated death may allow slow grief and closure; however, the loss is no less painful. For caregivers, the anticipation could cause exhaustion, relief or even guilt.  Some anticipated losses can turn into sudden losses leaving you totally unprepared.

 III.            Cause of Death

     How a person dies can impact grief. Accidental deaths can cause tremendous emotions and shock that may linger.  Deaths caused by other humans can be seen as random, senseless and unfair causing great anger, blaming and even desire for revenge. 

     Sudden death by natural causes can produce shock, blame and guilt for not recognizing the symptoms early enough or at all.

     Chronic or Long-term illnesses can bring relief then guilt causing compounded grief with the death as well as the suffering conditions.

     Suicide can cause guilt, anger, judgment, isolation resulting in aloneness or silent suffering.  Then there is murder that can render one powerless and vulnerable.  This could produce rage, justice system delays, and even revenge.

 IV.            Quality of Relationship

     The quality of our relationship with a person will affect our grief when they die. Relationships can be very close, distant, very harmonious or conflicting.  It is often said that the closer the relationship, the greater the grief, but a strained relationship can also make grief difficult causing anger, guilt, or unresolved issues. 

 V.             Other Circumstances in Life

     There are other circumstances in life that can affect our grief such as family responsibilities, work, multiple losses at the same time, culture, traditions, heritage, individual personalities like that of introverts, extroverts, emotional, intellectuals, bold or cautious. Health issues, physical fitness, and stress impacts grief.  Whether the death was witnessed or not can also affect grief. Religious beliefs, support systems, and many other circumstances will make our grief journey uniquely our own. It is a fact though that knowing what to expect can remove some fear and provide some light for the journey.

Take Care of Yourself

     Grief is a time when people need to spend extra time and energy taking care of themselves. They need to take care of emotional as well as physical needs.

     Grief is work and lots of emotional work. Those that tend to serve others, tend to put off their grief such as doctors, pastors, counselors, nurses, and caregivers of the deceased.  It is so easy to get caught up with the needs of others, that your own needs can be forgotten. When we take care of self, we are better able to help others.

     In terms of physical needs, many express a loss of appetite, difficulty sleeping, and lack of energy.  It is important to pay attention to the body.  Eating well, getting adequate sleep, exercising regularly, not abusing alcohol and medications are all important to keep the physical body healthy.  It is a good practice to call the doctor if you experience difficulty in any of these areas.

The Fog of Grief

     Grief can cause a fog to come into one’s life, affecting the ability to think or concentrate. This sets in right after the death and can come even after the shock of the loss wears off. It can linger or come and go for a long time. It is a sign that one has become overloaded. The fog is described as “going through the motions”, “robotic existence”, “forgetful and confused”, or “functioning at 50 percent”.  It is normal and will pass in time.

     Try to avoid tackling difficult tasks that require deep concentration during a fog.  If you must, ask for help. Be careful when performing dangerous activities like driving, cooking, cleaning, etc.  Write things down to avoid forgetting and avoid making major irreversible decisions during this time.

You Did the Best You Could

     People often look back on their own shortcomings and mistakes and develop feelings of guilt after a death. Some examples sound like these:  “I should have noticed the warning signs.” “Why did I argue with her the last time I saw her alive?”  “Why didn’t I spend more time with him when I had the chance?” “Did she know I loved her/him?” “What went through his mind when I told the doctors to disconnect the respirator?” “If I had come home a day sooner, I would have been able to say good bye.” In retrospect there’s always many of things we could have said or done differently. It is common for grieving people to feel that way. Go ahead and forgive yourself!  Recognize that in a difficult time, under difficult circumstances, under unknown conditions, and acting within your own limitations – You did the very best that you could.

     Remember, Grace is Amazing!  “There is nothing we can do to make God love us more. There is nothing we can do to make God love us less.  Philip Yancey

 Myths about Grief

     A wife still crying three months after her husband death is normal, natural, and necessary.  Some worry because they have believed a myth that said she should have been over it by then. There are many myths (false beliefs) about grief.    

     Here are some myths about grief that you should reject:

1.     People with strong faith don’t grieve.

2.     A strong person should be able to get through a loss without showing emotion.

3.     You should be pretty much back to normal after two or three weeks.

4.     If you express intense feelings, you’re losing control of yourself.

5.     Crying is a sign of weakness.

6.     Grief gets easier as you grow older.

7.     Getting angry at God or asking God difficult questions means you have a weak faith.

8.     You can tell how much a person loved the one who died by how deep and long the person grieved the loss.

9.     Losing an infant doesn’t hurt because the parents didn’t have time to get to know the child.

10.  Resolving your grief means putting your loved one out of your mind and moving on with your life.

11.  Christians shouldn’t grieve if they know their loved one is in heaven.  They should only feel joy.

12.  Its better to deal with grief intellectually than emotionally.

13.  Only immediate family members will experience significant grief.

14.  Continuing to talk about a person who died only makes the pain last longer.

15.  Grief proceeds through very predictable and orderly stages.

16.  After a loved one dies, you can never be happy again.

These myths simply are not true.

Find Coping Methods for Grief

     Coping methods are activities that give an outlet for some of our emotional and physical energy.  They help us get in touch with our thoughts and feelings as well as help us restore balance to our lives.

     Here are some coping methods for Grief:

1.     Keeping a journal will help you keep your feelings flowing, record cherished memories, and remind you of the distance you have come.

2.     Music – Listen, sing, play or compose music you enjoy or your loved one enjoyed.

3.     Artwork – draw, doodle, paint, knit, carve, woodworking and other art work can be wonderful outlets in grief.

4.     Meditation, Prayer and Scripture

5.     Write letters to express feelings to God or the deceased loved ones

6.     Exercise – physical activities help to work off excess energy and help clear the mind; also generates chemicals in the body that help you feel better and help cope.

7.     Scream – Some find it therapeutic to scream in the shower, into a pillow, in the car, a parking lot near an airport to release pent-up emotional energy.

8.     Read – Some busy themselves in books, maybe reading about grief, novels or magazines.

9.     Talk – Some talk about their feelings with a friend, family member, pastor, caregiver, support group, or talk out loud to the deceased loved one.

     The important thing is to do that which feel right for you. “Whatever method you choose, find a way to allow your feelings to move from within yourself to outside yourself.”  James E. Miller

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If God Seems Far Away

     Grief also sometimes affects our relationship with God and sometimes in ways we never expected. Some draw closer to God declaring that His presence was the one thing that could be counted on and the only way through the darkest of times.  However, the opposite is true also because there are some that declared that death have torn apart everything they have ever believed.

     The critical thing to do is to always be yourselves with God. Always be real with God because He will always be real with you. Tell God what you really feel. Go ahead and ask your difficult questions to God, He may answer you. Just don’t make the mistake of feeling abandoned by God because He will never abandon you.  He will grieve and suffer with you. He will not allow you to grieve alone. He will share you tears and pain and lighten the weight of your burden. He will stay with you comforting you and strengthening you no matter how long it takes.  His love will heal you and it will never lose its power to restore joy and peace to you.

     “Stand still, and whisper God’s name, and listen.  He is nearer than you think.” Max Lucado

 This a summary of Kenneth C. Hauck’s book, “A Time to Grieve” by,  Loretha Bradley.